Earlier in the week, it looked like the announcers would have to call the game in the nude because the two sides could not agree on the color of the broadcasters’ attire. According to KEZI wardrobe manager D. Wold, “Our broadcasters have been wearing the same color jackets the entire year. Making them wear anything orange or even a shade of orange is a violation of their First Amendment rights.” OSU officials retorted, “It will be a cold day in the hot place before a green and gold jacketed announcer calls a game from our press box.”

Things were looking grim, especially for color man Doug Plank who lives in Phoenix. “I wasn’t looking forward to broadcasting the game naked. I played in the cold at Ohio State and in Chicago, but I always played wearing a uniform.” Play-by-play man Barry Tompkins was reluctant to broadcast in the buff too, “I keep myself in pretty good shape, but it would have been a little intimidating sitting shirtless next to an ex-football player. Besides, the press box isn’t heated and I was worried about the tongue on the flagpole effect, if you know what I mean.”

“I suggested Navy blue blazers with green ties, tan jackets with maroon ties, purple golf shirts, even powder blue speedos, but those no-fashion morons at OSU rejected anything with a color that was even remotely related to the colors of any PAC-10 school, or Fresno State,” says D. Wold. “I tried every combination possible but those pendejos rejected them all. It was frustrating.”

Possible apparel disaster was avoided when J. Ruscigno and a team from “The Carter Center For Conflict-Resolution” was brought in to mediate the dispute. According to Carter Center spokesperson and native Oregonian W. Foster, “Understanding the nature of the problem was the first step to solving it. We at the Carter Center for Conflict-Resolution have always felt that Civil War is an apt title for what is occurring this week. Neutrality is out of the question. Democrat/Republican, Male/Female, smoker/non-smoker and all such everyday distinctions are not what divide us. It cuts through offices, churches, clubs and families. There are only Beavers and there are only Ducks.” Foster, who has not spoken to his brother an Oregon University graduate, for ten years, continued, “There are many ways to resolve conflict. We were able to solve this conflict by having OSU athletic director Bob De Carolis compete in a free-style rap-off with a KEZI employee, Art the janitor. It was a thrilling competition, and neutral broadcaster attire is the outcome.”

The broadcasters’ clothing, a nifty combination of green, gold, orange, and black, will be provided by an Albany clothing store, “Buzz’s House O Fashion.”

Other Broadcasting notes:

Tompkins will not be allowed to use his last name during the broadcast. He has the same last name as former Beaver wide receiver Roddy Tompkins.

Plank will not be allowed to use his last name during the broadcast. Planks were used to build scaffolding during Autzen Stadium remodeling.

The on-the-field broadcaster has been added, with assistance from the Carter Center, to the broadcast team. The third broadcaster’s name is Heidi and hails from Switzerland. OSU spokesman Z. Dero, “The Swiss have a long history of neutrality, just what KEZI and OSU were looking for. It doesn’t matter that Heidi only speaks French and German, she’s neutral and that’s all that matters.”

Reports that the words duck, ducked, ducks, and any derivative of the word beaver, would be banned from the broadcast booth and only neutral language would be spoken have proven false. When reached for comment Barry Tompkins said, “We couldn’t think of any other way to say, ‘He should have ducked when he saw that coming,’ so Doug and I put our feet down.”